I Don’t Believe In Any Conspracy That Would Have Me

Kage Baker liked conspiracy theories. She didn’t believe in them – not many, anyway – she just liked them. The way she liked Warner Brothers cartoons, and Jack In The Box commercials; the way she liked funny video shows.  They were amusing and inadvertent and improvisational, and most of the time they were weird as hell. It was Kage’s theory that no one actually had the organization to commit most of them, but composing them was an art – not a skill – and so could be indulged in by the logic-handicapped to hilarious result.

And there were always such marvelous plot ideas in conspiracy theories!

Caveat: I, myself, do not subscribe to any conspiracy theories, for much the same reasons Kage did not. I think any competent conspiracy is undetectable; if I can find out about it, it’s probably nonsense. But this is just my theory, you see – so if I stomp on some favourite of yours, Dear Readers, in this blog, please forgive me. I have no certain knowledge of any of these, only the rumours of their existence: and so I don’t believe in any of them.

There are hundreds of conspiracy theories available for your shopping pleasure on the Internet, though. They may the third most proliferated posting on the Interwebs, right behind porn and funny cats. Just like porn and cats, there is no accounting for tastes in conspiracy theories: there are enough of them out there, though, to both enthrall and amuse anyone. You may be wildly entertained by the theory that Pripyat (near Chernobyl) is thick with mutated voles and earthworms, but skeptical of their reality – even while the detailed news of the Taos Hum fulfills your deepest fears about government manipulation of electromagnetic forces.

Area 51 is a constant fave rave listing, even while it becomes clearer and clearer that what happens there is just top-secret military engineering. Kage always said she didn’t know what was funnier – the fact that intelligent people were willing to believe the Feds were churning out flying saucers (the same Feds that can’t successfully build earthen berms around New Orleans); or that the Air Force thought they could hide a top secret site by simply insisting that what was right in front of our noses was not there. But if you search through the links (there are always links) you can find an immense web of such conspiracy sites and theories. Apparently there are hidden bases everywhere under the American Southwest. The Federal Transportation Administration evidently does its best work 100 feet under the Mojave.

Another of Kage’s favourites  was the theory that the rulers of most First World Countries were mind-bending reptiloids. She liked this one because of its contrast with the old stories of lizard men under Los Angeles – mostly because she never met anyone who saw a connection or believed both ideas. (But she thought George W. Bush, Prince Philip and William Buckley were especially poorly disguised.) She preferred the Los Angeles Lizard Colony, herself, and in fact wrote it into the Company series. Although the story where the operatives encounter the Lizard Men has yet to be written … hidden rivers under the Wilshire Corridor are involved, and I assure you: they are real.

Almost everyone is willing to believe something horrid about the Free Masons. Or the Catholic Church. Or the Federal Government. Kage felt the days of conspiracies by the Masons or the Vatican were either long past or yet to come again: neither of them had the energy to get up to much shenanigans in the present. She didn’t worry too much about the Feds, either – she said the track record we could see was piss poor, and she didn’t believe those people could conspire their way into a paper bag. Apple was a lot more likely to be back-engineering alien technology than the Pentagon.

Kage liked all the theories around Bigfoot sightings: that they were “thought entities” unleashed by Native American curses, or drove flying saucers, or were remnant Gigantopethecine apes, or remnant Neanderthals, or remnant hippies. And there is a fervent belief in each and all of those, and more besides. She liked the aliens, too, that evidently spend their nights cruising up and down American highways, and all the astonishingly clumsy government agencies that run around trying to clean up after them.

Today I found a serious alert about mutant animals arising in Japan – it’s starting with an earless rabbit, evidently, and Godzilla cannot be far behind. Also, that strain of e. Coli that was due to cucumbers, then not; then salad greens, then not; then bean sprouts, then not – it’s been deliberately designed as a bio weapon by persons unknown (but who evidently don’t like the Germans or the Spanish). And Canadian deer are being trained to attack hikers by First Nation activists. And a red-white-and blue striped building has been located on Mars using Google, and NASA is hiding the proof (but not the Google picture …).

I found all these just in one day. And I wasn’t even looking, which is what reminded me of Kage and brought the topic to mind. There is such a wealth of confabulation out there! And the chance that some of it, any of it might be true – that was what endlessly fascinated Kage. You just never know …

There are (badly) camouflaged metal plates on the side of Mount Hollywood, you know. Painted in rather garish greens and browns. People say they used to hide missiles launchers, for That Day when the next war started. But the missiles were removed in the 70’s. So why are there still silos locked on the mountainside? Why are motion-activated cameras still monitoring up there? Why, if you stray too far past the Hollywood Sign, do hidden loudspeakers advise you to remove your ass from the hill as soon as possible?


Map Under Los Angeles

About Kate

I am Kage Baker's sister. Kage was/is a well-known science fiction writer, who died on January 31, 2010. She told me to keep her work going - I'm doing that. This blog will document the process.
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8 Responses to I Don’t Believe In Any Conspracy That Would Have Me

  1. Michael Young says:

    The below link proves Kage was a historian from the Future sent back to thwart the Company.


    More new ugly spices


  2. Tom says:

    Well, okay, Ms. Smartypants, if all these are just goofball fungoes and fables, then WHO’S THAT LIVING UNDER Mt, SHASTA??? HUH? HUH?
    ‘Cuz Kage wouldn’t lie about something important like *that.*


  3. Kate says:

    Those guys under Mt. Shasta are the Ascended Masters. They have a branch office in Mill Valley, CA (there’s a portal on the slopes of Mt. Talampais, among other things) and they vacation at Pismo Beach (where the Dunes are just lousy with vibrations). They are vegans, except for clams – because clams don’t have faces. You can eat things that don’t have faces … see “The Face of the Clam”, by Luther Whiteman ( http://www.amazon.com/Face-Clam-Luther-Whiteman/dp/B0007H74J6).

    It’s all there, you see. Besides, if Kage believed in it – well, how could it be a conspiracy theory?


  4. Margaret says:

    Well, I am so lucky as to live in southern New Mexico, hotbed of conspiracy theorists, where otherwise sensible-seeming people will tell me about the time when they were driving at night through that long flat stretch of nothing-much west of Roswell, and Something with exceptionally bright lights followed them for miles and miles….then disappeared!
    AND I have been on a field trip sponsored by our local senior center to Roswell’s UFO Museum, which Kage would probably have loved – it’s mostly so very serious. My idea of the highlights were the gift shop, the machines that will make flattened pennies that emerge with UFO motifs, and the California family in their van who had a lot of quality family time in the parking lot before the museum opened, making themselves some very fine aluminum foil hats. The kids entered the museum looking like animated Hersey’s kisses, and Mom had an excellent multi-horned arrangement. I was envious that I hadn’t thought to bring any foil. I did get a bumper sticker that says ‘Be sure to wear your seatbelt – it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your vehicle.’


    • Kate says:

      I would really like to see Roswell! We have relatives in Raton, and I keep meaning to organize a road trip … New Mexico is rich in conspiracy sites!

      Here in California, not even seat belts will save you from alien abduction. There are stretches of Highways 1 and 101 where they will just take your whole car, passengers and all – or so the stories claim. Mind you, these are also the stretches where it’s very easy to drive right off the continental edge – and they are neither lit nor patrolled at night. Anything could get you along there. Kage was very fond of the Watcher stories along Highway 1: tall people in cloaks and wide-brimmed hats who stand on heights and stare at you. And there are lurkers, too, little guys who peek around the trees … it was one of her favourite camping areas, which led to a lot of argument at bed-time: because Kage would tell spooky stories!


  5. Margaret says:

    If you do decide to check out Roswell, be sure to coincide with their now-annual UFO Days, apparently sometime early in July so as to include the 4th. I haven’t yet succeeded in being there for it, but first-person accounts make it sound like an incredible combination of schlockiness and bizarritude. (And learn by my failure: take lots of aluminum foil.)


  6. PJ says:

    I used to read books like The Philadelphia Experiment and The Bermuda Triangle for similar reasons. They were utterly ludicrous but so “creative.” Generally very badly written, though, so reading on the internet is much less taxing and still just as hilarious.


  7. Kate says:

    PJ – oh my yes, reading this fun stuff on the Internet is so much better! One doesn’t spend as much money, and one doesn’t need to store the books afterward. Ah, technology, making our lives easier!


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